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This article was co-authored by Jessica Engle, MFT, MA. Jessica Engle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009, after receiving her Master's in Counseling Psychology. Jessica is also a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Drama Therapist with over 10 years of experience.
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Hooking up with a friend can be a lot of fun. After all, you already know you like them! Before you hook up, just be clear about what your expectations and boundaries are. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be a long, deep conversation. Just let your friend know what you’re interested in. Start flirting with them, and if they seem into it, see where things go. Remember that it’s important to protect both your emotional and physical safety. You can do that by being honest and keeping lines of communication open. Also, remember to have fun!

Steps

Method 1 of 3:
Pursuing a Casual Hook Up

1
Decide if you are okay with an informal sexual relationship. Hooking up may sound fun and easy, but it rarely comes without emotions. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and hook up without really thinking it through. But try to think clearly about how you will feel the next day. If you anticipate feeling good about your decision, go for it!^{[1]XResearch source}
- When you’re out with a group you can drop this information into the conversation. Try, “Sounds like you had fun last weekend! I’d love to have a no-strings-attached thing like that with someone cool.”
3
Talk to your friend about your expectations. Before hooking up, take a minute to explain to your friend what you want. This doesn’t have to be a long, in-depth talk. But before things get physical, make it clear that you are looking for a casual hook up, not a relationship.^{[3]XResearch source}
- You could try, “I’m really into you, but before we go any further, you should know that I’m not looking to date you. Is it okay with you if this is just some casual fun?”
4
Clearly state your boundaries to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Let the other person know if there are things that you are not comfortable with. This might include physical acts or talking to others about the hook up. If you state your boundaries upfront, this can prevent things feeling awkward mid-hookup.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Send a close friend a text that says something like, “Hey, I’m leaving this party to go to Brad’s. He and I are going to hang by ourselves for a while. Would you mind checking in with me around midnight to make sure I made it home okay?”
- Even if you’re not planning on hooking up, it’s a good idea to let someone know where you are whenever you’re out at night or venture away from the group you went out with.
6
Practice safe sex to avoid STDs or unwanted pregnancy. If you want a hook up to just be fun and casual, take care to make sure that you aren’t left with any unwanted effects. Use condoms if you intend to have sex, even oral sex. If you’re female, you might consider taking additional birth control.^{[7] If you’ve been harboring a crush on one of your friends, it might sound like a good idea to try to hook up with them. But remember, a friends with benefits relationship might not go any farther than that. If you’re actually interested in pursuing a relationship with someone, try to date them instead of just starting a hook up relationship. Instead, try flirting with a friend that you like, but don’t want a more traditional relationship with.^{[8]XResearch source}You can also try sending a flirty text like, “I couldn’t help but notice you looked great tonight. Can’t wait to see you at the party tomorrow!”, or similar.
If your friend pulls away from you, or seems offended or uninterested, back off. You don’t want to put any pressure on them.}
3
Talk openly about your boundaries and expectations. Maybe things will go your way right off the bat. Before you know it, you and your friend might be kissing. But before it goes any further, take a minute to let them know what you are looking for. Explain what your personal and physical boundaries, and what you want to get from hooking up with them.^{[10]XResearch source}
- You could say something silly like, “I would have done this sooner if I knew kissing you would be like this!”
- You can also just say, “Um, I’m enjoying this a lot, but it’s a little awkward, isn’t it?” That can really lighten the mood.
5
Accept “no” as an answer if the other person is not interested. If you’ve flirted and maybe even suggested a hook up, you might assume your friend is into it. However, if they say “no” or make any other sort of excuse, you need to respect that. While you might feel disappointed, your friend has a right to make this decision.^{[12]XExpert SourceJessica Engle, MFT, MA
Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 10 February 2021.}^{[14]XResearch source}
- If you’re happy, great! Carry on. If you’re experiencing negative emotions, you might consider stopping hooking up.
2
Talk honestly about your feelings. Even though you and your friend aren’t in a traditional relationship, it’s still helpful to communicate.^{[16]XResearch source}
- You can try saying something like, “I’m really having fun with you. How are you feeling about hooking up?”
- You could also say, “I feel like things are kind of awkward now when we hang out in a group. I think we should stop hooking up.”
3
Allow a relationship to develop if you both want it to. You might realize that you are interested in being more than friends with benefits. If that’s the case, tell your friend how you feel. Likewise, be open and honest if your friend initiates the conversation about taking things further. If you both want more, discuss what that means to each of you.^{[18]XResearch source}
- For example, you might both decide that you want to formalize your relationship. That might mean that you tell other people that you are dating. It could also mean that you start spending more time together doing other things you enjoy.
- Your relationship is up to you and your friend, and you are the only ones that have the right to define it.

Expert Q&A

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How do you ask a friend for a casual hookup?
Jessica Engle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009, after receiving her Master's in Counseling Psychology. Jessica is also a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Drama Therapist with over 10 years of experience.
Relationship Coach
It's really helpful to talk about it openly with your friend. Talk about what you're both wanting or expecting, and also discuss what you'd do if one of you decided you didn't want to continue a physical or romantic relationship.
Can you still be friends with someone you hook up with?
Jessica Engle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009, after receiving her Master's in Counseling Psychology. Jessica is also a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Drama Therapist with over 10 years of experience.
Relationship Coach
Relationships are always changed when you add a physical or romantic component. However, that change can be really lovely, and for some people it really deepens the friendship. For others, they find that's not what they want to do with their friends, but the key to navigating that is to have open communications.

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Tips

Don’t worry about what other people think. This relationship is between you and your friend.
Thanks!
It’s okay to stop hooking up whenever you want to.
Thanks!

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References